Friday, 2 February 2018

"Your voice sounds happy." 

I already knew it did but when my friend relayed that back to me it felt a little more real. I held record on my Whatsapp message, "how could I not? I'm painting all day and writing and reading and going to the beach and laughing with my family. How could I not be happy?"

What I've really done, in moving back to the other side of the world (again) is give myself time, and with time, I've given myself freedom. 

Maybe you're a little like me, or how I felt every day, suffocated in comfortability. Frozen in a life that I created but didn't really recognise much of myself in. For a good part of last year I was in a daze. Lonelier than I ever thought I could be. Buzzing with creative energy but lacking the time and energy to start anything real. I had all these lists of scribbled ideas but I'd get home when it was dark and freezing cold and I just didn't have it in me anymore. 

Samuel Johnson said "when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life" and oh-my-fucking-god was I tired of life!

I was exhausted with life. Tired of rent and bills and responsibilities that didn't match up to the responsibility I had to myself: to live my life, on my terms. No amount of art could pull me out of that. I hated myself for being too much and not enough, for not even knowing what I wanted. I felt impossible. 

 London grew me. I mean that so deeply.

What I didn't expect was to grow out of London. To feel, not exactly like I needed more, but that I needed something different. When days and conversations repeated themselves and I felt my dreams get farther away, and the days get shorter and colder, I knew I had to leave. 

The thing is, I love the city. I love it maybe more any other city but I just needed to be somewhere different. This world is huge and full of all these amazing places that I feel like I'm missing out on a million lives being in one place. I needed to shake myself awake. I needed to feel alive again.

Coming home to the Gold Coast feels like finally curling back into child's pose after a thigh-shaking Vinyasa flow. Months of me trying to convince myself that I was ok and that I'd figure it out and now I've gifted myself with the most soothing exhale - an opportunity to sit with myself, to wake up and do exactly what I want with my days for a while, to lift all the burdens life can lay on you.

The sun woke me up. I missed my family so much more than I realised before we were singing Grease 2 songs, playing tennis, and quoting FSM again. Over the past month I've felt more creative and produced more work than I have in years. I also haven't cried for the longest time in years so that makes a nice change.

Every day still I miss that city, with my favourite restaurants, and that spot by the river 2 minutes from my apartment where I'd sit with chips and mushy peas doused in onion vinegar, the streets, the sheer size, and the art (oh my god, the art!).

Babe, in case you feel stuck, in case you feel uninspired, or even just a little unfulfilled, know that you can change your life whenever you damn well please. You can pack your bags and go wherever you want. I've done it a few times and I know full well I'll do it plenty more.

There is simply too much life to live to waste a moment of it feeling anything less than your most radiant and supersonic self.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but I freaking excited to figure it out.

Much love,